The Evolving Mess

Today’s Scripture

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
— Psalm 139:14

Last night, I wanted to feel pretty.

I asked my daughter to help me get ready. She helped me choose what to wear, did my makeup, helped with my hair, and for once I allowed myself to put some effort into me.

I wanted my husband to look at me and remember the woman he fell in love with.

And he liked what he saw.

But something happened that I wasn’t really expecting.

I liked what I saw too.

I looked in the mirror and felt good about myself.

And I realized I haven’t felt that way in a while.

Somewhere along the way, life became less about being Kelly and more about being whatever everyone needed Kelly to be.

Wife. Mom. Nana. Babysitter. Worker. Helper. Problem solver. The person who keeps going when things need to get done.

And without realizing it, I stopped seeing the woman underneath all of those responsibilities.

But God never did.

God Has Never Lost Sight of Me

I sometimes look at old pictures of myself and think about the woman I used to be.

Younger. Different hair. Fewer wrinkles. Maybe more confident. Maybe more willing to dress up and feel sexy.

And it’s easy to compare that woman with the woman standing in the mirror today.

But God doesn’t look at those two women and decide which one is better.

He sees His daughter in both of them.

“People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
— 1 Samuel 16:7

God sees things a mirror cannot show me.

He sees every time I have loved someone when loving them was difficult. He sees every sacrifice nobody thanked me for. He sees the nights I cried when nobody knew. He sees every time I got knocked down and somehow stood back up.

He sees the mistakes. He sees the fear. He sees the insecurity. He sees the mess.

And He sees the woman I am becoming through all of it.

I Don’t Have to Earn His Love

This is something I am still learning.

I have spent so much of my life believing I had to do something to be worthy of love.

Be prettier. Work harder. Give more. Forgive more. Fix more. Take care of everybody. Try harder to make someone stay.

But God’s love doesn’t work that way.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
— Romans 5:8

God didn’t wait for the finished version of me.

He didn’t say, I’ll love her when she gets herself together.

He loved me right in the middle of the mess.

And He still does.

Maybe I Need to Learn to See Myself Through His Eyes

Last night I put on makeup. I fixed my hair. I wore something a little sexier than I normally would. And I felt pretty.

There is nothing wrong with that. Maybe I needed that reminder.

But today I want to remember something deeper:

My worth was exactly the same before I put the makeup on.

God loved the woman standing in front of the mirror before she got ready just as much as the woman who walked out the door for date night.

He loves me dressed up. He loves me covered in grass after mowing. He loves me chasing a little boy around the house. He loves me laughing. He loves me crying. He loves me confident. And He loves me on the mornings when I don’t particularly like myself.

Because my value isn’t determined by what the mirror says.

It isn’t determined by whether my husband notices me. It isn’t determined by my weight, my age, my wrinkles, my hair, my clothes, my productivity, or how useful I am to everybody else.

My value comes from the One who created me.

Maybe She Never Disappeared

Maybe the woman I thought I had lost isn’t gone at all.

Maybe life simply buried her underneath responsibility for a while.

And maybe God has been seeing her the entire time.

Not the younger version. Not the prettier version. Not the version who has everything figured out.

Me.

The 53-year-old woman standing here today.

A little weathered. A little wiser. Still insecure sometimes. Still learning. Still messing things up. Still healing. Still laughing. Still loving. Still becoming.

Still an evolving mess.

And still completely loved by God.

☕ Something to Sit With Today

Instead of asking: “Am I enough?”

Maybe today I ask: “God, help me see the woman You see when You look at me.”

Because perhaps I’ve spent enough years examining myself through the eyes of people who hurt me, rejected me, disappointed me, or made me question my worth.

It’s time to learn how to look at myself through His eyes.

And through His eyes, I am not disposable. I am not forgotten. I am not too much. I am not past my prime. I am not merely useful.

I am His.

Fearfully and wonderfully made.

Loved before I accomplished anything today. Loved when I get things wrong. Loved while I’m still healing.

And loved right here—in the middle of becoming.

Prayer

Father,

I have spent so much of my life wondering how other people see me.

Am I pretty enough? Good enough? Useful enough? Lovable enough?

Sometimes I have allowed the way other people treated me to become the way I see myself.

Help me change that.

Teach me to see myself through Your eyes.

When I look in the mirror and notice everything that has changed, remind me that You see far more than my reflection.

You see my heart. You see where I have been. You see what I have survived. You see every place that still needs healing. And You see who You are shaping me into.

Thank You for the woman I used to be. Thank You for the woman I am today. And thank You for the woman I am still becoming.

Help me remember that I don’t have to earn Your love. I already have it.

And when I forget who I am, remind me whose I am.

Let Go and Let God.

Amen. ❤️