The Evolving Mess

I have gotten pretty good at giving things to God.

Keeping them there?

Well… we’re still working on that. 😂

“Let Go and Let God” has become something I lean on when my mind starts doing what my mind does best—taking a worry, a thought, a fear, a suspicion, or something I don’t understand and examining it from approximately 427 different directions.

To me, letting go means giving all of that to God.

The worry.
The fear.
The anguish.
The questions.
The things I know.
And especially the things I don’t know but have somehow managed to create seventeen possible explanations for.

I give it to Him.

And if I’m being completely truthful, there’s usually an unspoken part of that prayer that goes something like:

Okay, God. I gave it to You. Could You please take it away now?

I would really prefer the expedited surrender package.

Fear removed.
Question answered.
Situation resolved.
Peace delivered.

Immediately would be wonderful.

That is generally not what happens.

Instead, five minutes later, the worry is still there.

The Tug-of-War

When “Let Go and Let God” first became important to me, surrender felt like standing on one end of a rope while God was patiently holding the other.

I would pray.

God, I give this to You.

And then my brain would start again.

What did that word mean?
Why did that happen?
What about that look?
What if I missed something?
What if I’m wrong?
What if I’m right?

So I’d pick the worry back up and mentally rework the entire thing.

Then I’d realize what I was doing.

God, I’m sorry. Here. You take it.

A little while later…

Actually, God, could I see that again? I just need to check one more thing. 😂

Back and forth.

Give it to God.
Take it back.
Analyze it.
Give it back.
Overthink it.
Take it back.
Pray.
Give it back again.

For a long time, I think I believed I was failing at surrender because I kept picking things back up.

I thought “Let Go and Let God” meant I should be able to hand something to Him once and suddenly feel completely peaceful.

No more fear.
No more questions.
No more urge to figure everything out.

But that hasn’t been my experience.

Maybe This Is What Growth Looks Like

I’m still struggling with this.

That matters to say.

I’m not writing this from some peaceful mountaintop where I have finally mastered trusting God and no longer overthink anything.

Good grief. 😂

I am still very much down here in the mess.

But something is changing.

I’m giving things over more.

And I’m taking them back less.

Sometimes I recognize what I’m doing sooner.

Sometimes I can catch my mind starting down that familiar road and remind myself:

You already gave this to God.

And sometimes I still take it back anyway.

But now I know what to do with it.

I give it back again.

Maybe surrender isn’t always one enormous act of faith.

Maybe sometimes it’s a hundred tiny ones.

Maybe growth isn’t never picking the worry back up. Maybe, for me right now, growth looks like giving it back more often and taking it back less.

And maybe God isn’t standing there frustrated because I’ve returned for the same thing again.

Maybe He’s patiently teaching me that I never needed to carry it in the first place.

So yes, I am still a major work in progress.

I still overthink.

I still analyze.

I still occasionally hand God something and apparently expect a five-minute turnaround time. 😂

But little by little, I’m learning.

Let go.

And when I pick it back up…

let go again.

That might not look like perfect faith.

But then again, perfect faith was never what this place was supposed to be about.

This is The Evolving Mess.

And I’m still becoming. ❤️